wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
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Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
Morning my dudes.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
Beauty and the Beast
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*