The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
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I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.