5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
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OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
I told my vodka about you.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
I feel like one of these would kill a European
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
This is not me but this is me
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar