In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
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if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
I’m putting together a team
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
I identify as an antique shop.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red