I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
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Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
#winning
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
CUTE CAT‼︎
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore