There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
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Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
Breaking news:
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.