14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
You Might Also Like
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.