I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
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Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
somewhere, in an alternate universe
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?