Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
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Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
opening twitter today
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”