Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
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A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Feels like the fourth month in January
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
the red hot silly peppers
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag