H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
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Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
just got my engagement photos
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!