You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
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If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.