You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
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People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
All excellent questions
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.