Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
You Might Also Like
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
My birthstone is a marshmallow
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn