BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
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We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over