Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
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Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Smells like a challenge to me
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery