I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
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a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.