(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
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“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
This kid is going places
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out