I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
You Might Also Like
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”