You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
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I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
Butt weight. There’s more!
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough