Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
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I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?