[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
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People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
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My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going