Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
You Might Also Like
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”