the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
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He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
I had to Stop for this
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”