Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
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Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
*cough*
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
Who’s ready for Friday?!
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
@_NTFG_’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude