Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
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DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.