A billionaire has built a submersible, saying he wants to prove it’s still safe to visit the Titanic. Somebody tell these guys it wasn’t even safe to be ON the Titanic!
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The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Hotels are back
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a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
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Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this![]()
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I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
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I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.