A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
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“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?