all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
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I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
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Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
She puts the hot in psychotic
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme