Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
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[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
the way this pissed me off… 😭
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white