Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
You Might Also Like
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
What do you hear?
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑