Guac should be free at Chipotle if you can correctly pronounce “Chipotle.” #ThereISaidIt
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A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
I am, perchance
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Breaking news:
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.