Just choked on an apple seed. This is what I get for trying to eat healthy. Reese’s Peanut Butter cups don’t pull this shit.
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Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
I put the mess in domestic.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?