* Rides off into the sunset *
* Rides back five minutes later because there weren’t snacks *
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My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again