WAITER: Room for dessert?
[flashback to the room at home that hides all my desserts]
ME: [nervous laugh] Haha I don’t have one of those.
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[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.