Winter is really just a 3 month long eating contest.
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Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
Lmfao
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
No, he would not have.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.