6yo: “When my play date gets here you and her mom can just go do ‘Mom Things’ like drink wine and talk about Girl Scout cookies, ok?”
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Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
They did not miss in the small print
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog