As long as you sing to the tune of “You Are my Sunshine,” you can literally say anything you want to a baby. I just vented all my frustrations and she still fell asleep. Best therapy ever.
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*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
When you can’t find your friend Neil
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
groan^2