Being a parent apparently means buying stuff in bulk.
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“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey