Beware a child who has learned a joke or a magic trick.
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You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
When can I start eating bats again.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
The “baby” on the left….
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*