I told my mom I thought parenting got easier as the kids get older and she laughed so hard she cried a little
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Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!