My daughter gave me a tiny leaf as a present three days ago and now she wants to know where it is. Pray for me
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ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
ME:
GF:
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ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?