My teen just let me know he’s never speaking to me again. Strangely enough though, a blocked number keeps texting to ask what’s for dinner
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to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”