Thrilled to announce that instead of saying “What are you doing?” my 2-year-old child goes around asking, in a tiny haunting voice, “What have you done?”
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“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
Meowchelangelo
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.