a halloween party where i ACTUALLY scare my guests: i greet everyone w a wry smile & say “it’s just been a long day” unprompted and then make everyone play a long board game that no one understands and there’s not enough alcohol and i audibly fight with my husband in the bathroom
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
