ah yes, halloween. the scary day. the day when everything is terrifying. unlike the other normal days of this year . . .
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You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.