Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
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If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
*pronounces UPS like yoops
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
😬
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.