“daddy why do celebrate halloween” [don’t say worshipping satan don’t say worshipping satan] well son, it’s for worshipping satan
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A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued