For Halloween this year, I’m going as the parents from Dirty Dancing since I’ll already be yelling at everyone for having fun.
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Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.