Halloween is just a scam by Big Cobweb to sell more big cobwebs.
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One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.